Man Fired After Posting Singles Ad

ROXANNE, CA--Steven Peters was fired on Friday, when his boss, Mike Howard, received an anonymous email with a link to a singles ad that Peters had put up the night before.

"I was just checking my morning emails," said Howard, who was working on his laptop, "when I came across one from someone I didn't know. The only thing that made me open it was the subject. It read 'STEVEN PETERS IS A GODDAMN RACIST MOTHER----' I don't wish to repeat the rest. Anyways, when I opened it, all there was was a link, so I clicked on it and it brought me to the Roxanne Review online singles ads. And that's where I found this."

Howard turned his laptop around to show us the page. On it was a picture of Peters standing on a stage, with a microphone in his hand, and beneath it read:

LOTS OF LAUGHS: Striving comedian, looking for a nice Jewish girl, who is part black, part Asian, part Mexican, part Middle Eastern, part Indian [red dot, not feather], and part-whatever other race that will keep me from being called a racist if I were to tell a joke about that race. 909 ### ####.

Peters, on stage at Roxanne Baptist Church, warming up the crowd for bingo night.

Howard admits being perplexed as to what to do upon reading the ad. "I didn't want to fire him. Peters is a hard-worker and a great guy. But that ad just made him sound like a goddamn racist motherfu--sorry I almost got carried away there. It made him sound bad. And I have several nice, hard-working African American men and women--who are honest, I've never seen them steal anything. I've got several of them working for me. They're great. So I didn't want them to feel weird. So, I fired him."

Peters didn't have much to say when asked for his opinion about the situation. "Oh, it's just a bunch of bull----! I can't believe it. If that ad proves anything, it proves I'm not a racist. I mean, I want a girl who is all those races. I want to embrace her. For everything that she is. Besides, comics do this kind of thing all the time. Look at Ray Louis. He's been married 5 times. To who? Once to a black chick, once to an Asian chick, once to a Mexican chick, and two times to Arab women. Now he's dating a Jew! At least I'm trying to do it all in one shot!"

Howard has made no efforts at re-hiring Peters, and he doesn't plan to, something that Peters has no qualms about. "I'm done working there. It's time to focus on my real career. Telling jokes. I just have to find my wife, first. I can't tell any of the jokes I want to tell right now. They all make me sound like a goddamn racist motherfu----. And I'm not! I swear!"

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH! Anthropologist Discovers New Species of Human

BOBO, MS--Dr. Patrick Connoly, a professor of anthropology at the University of Mississippi in Oxford, made a startling discovery today that is sure to rock the foundations of the anthropological world.

He discovered a new species of human being.

Connoly, who was sitting in a local diner, this morning, said the day started out just like any other.

"I was reading an essay by Norm Chomsky. Have you heard of him? Probably not. Very heady stuff. Anyways, I was sitting there reading, totally glued to the page, when I noticed an old man sitting in a booth, drinking some coffee. Of course, this isn't an odd thing to see in Memaw's; old people eat there all the time. But what threw me off was his reserved nature."

Connoly quickly added that easy-going old people aren't that odd, though. In general, they're like that. He explained that it was more of the the context in which the old man was sitting so reservedly that threw him off.

"Well, in the booth behind him there were two black guys. That's what first tipped me off. And then I noticed there were two women sitting in the booth in front of him. Then, as I looked around some more, I saw two Jews--and not just any Jews, but two Jews discussing the Torah--sitting at a table a few feet away. And then--on top of all of that--at a table next to them, there were two gay men holding hands."

Dr. Connoly, petting "the smallest black guy ever" in Papua New Guinea, 1967

He paused for a moment to catch his breath, then continued, saying he watched the old man for several minutes just to make sure he was seeing what he was actually seeing. It turned out he was.

"I was floored. I had never seen anything like it in my life. I--I was speechless."

Dr. Connoly says he remained motionless for several minutes, realizing what he had possibly just discovered. Needing more evidence to prove his theory, though, he approached the old man.

"I started by asking him questions. 'Sir,' I said, 'sir, do you not see who you're sitting near?' He looked up from his paper and shrugged his shoulders. 'Looks like people to me.' So I said, 'But sir, take a closer look at those people.' So he did; he scanned the whole room. Then he turned to me and said, 'Well, you've got two nice young ladies right there and a bunch of fellas just sittin' and makin' talk'.' And that's what did it. That's when I knew I had some truly special on my hands. An old person--who wasn't racist, sexist, anti-Semitic or homophobic."

It seems odd that a scientist could know for certain that he had just discovered a new species of human being without first performing DNA tests. But Dr. Connoly was steadfast in his conviction.

"Well, it's simple--how I know, that is. The whole scene went against Neuman's first law of geriatric psychology--which states that for every black, female, Jewish, or gay person in the world, there is an equal and opposite discriminating old person. I mean, by the time I approached him, he should have at least hurled 4-5 invectives at the Jews. At least 4-5. He didn't even let out a 'They just let anyone in here these days, don't they?' He didn't say a thing. It defied logic."

"I mean, look at this graph," Connoly added, drawing something on a napkin.

"Since 1639, when the field of statistics was invented by a monk who was notorious for inventing Biblical passages during conversation in order to sound official, the percentage of old people who are racist, sexist, anti-Semitic and homophobic has remained perfectly static--right at 100%. That's unheard of! The end of the Civil War, which I marked with a star on the line and '1865' beneath it, didn't even change anything-- and it was illegal to be racist at that point! Even at the end of the Civil Rights Movement, a hundred years later, which I have marked as well, you'd expect at least a couple hundred old people to no longer be racist, but no! Nothing changed! They were as racist, sexist, anti-Semitic and homophobic as ever."

When asked why this may have been, Dr. Connoly explained. "It has to do with a trend that Dr. Neuman found in his research. Hold on, look at this graph."

"Between birth and the age of 75, Dr. Neuman found that only about 5% of the population was racist, sexist, Anti-Semtic and homophobic, but at the age of 75 everything changes. Something happens at the age of 75. We don't know exactly what, yet. I mean, look at Helen Thomas. She had been in the White House Press Corps for fifty seven years! She was a well-respected journalist. Published in everything. Then the day she turns 75, she says some comment about the Jews in Israel and is forced to retire."

It was pointed out that Thomas was in fact 90 years old when she made the comments about the Jews in Israel.

"Then look at Betty White! She had been famous for years. Been in several successful television shows. Won awards and everything. But when did she really make it big? The day she turned 75 and did that muffin skit on Saturday Night Live. She's huge now!"

It was pointed out that White turned 89 a few days ago.

"Whatever, you know what I mean."

The old man that Connoly suspects is a new species of human turned out to be 82 years old, falling perfectly into the Neuman statistics. But when asked whether or not he took some of the man's hair in order to run DNA tests on it to prove that the man was in fact a new species, Connoly said he did not, because the old man was bald "as a cue ball."

"Old people are like that, in general, though" added Connoly, "even the women."

Too-Enthusiastic Married Man Winds Up Divorced

Kline emotional after realizing he's not going to lose his virginity after all.

SYRACUSE, NY--Kevin Kline is officially single after his wife of one day filed for divorce four hours after they were married. The sudden change of a events transpired due to a string of Tweets that Mr. Kline posted on his Twitter account, only an hour after the wedding ceremony. This is what they said:

@KevDog112382 (1:42PM): I AM MARRIED! WOO HOO! TO MY DREAM WOMAN!

@KevDog112382 (1:44PM): Though, it's not Alessandra Ambrosio; not Penelope Cruz; not Gina Gershon; not Erin Heatherton; not Erin Andrews; not Blake Lively; not Mila Kunis; not Marisa Miller; 


@KevDog112382 (1:45PM): not Gwyneth Paltrow; not Keira Knightley; not Natalie Portman; not Izabel Goulart; not Cheryl Hines; not Ms. Kitty, my preschool teacher; not Eva Mendes; 


@KevDog112382 (1:45PM): not Eva Longoria; not Kelly Ripa; not Carrie Underwood; not Padma Lakshmi; not Emma Watson; not Olivia Wilde; not Katy Perry; not Brooklyn Decker; not Eliza Dushku;


@KevDog112382 (1:56PM): not Hayden Panetierre; not Jessica Alba; not Taylor Swift; not Jessica Biel; not Jennifer Love Hewitt; not Reese Witherspoon; not Jennifer Aniston; 


@KevDog112382 (2:30PM): not Beyonce; not Elisha Cuthbert; not Rihanna....That is all I can think of off the top of my head. I'm not married to any of them. 

Author Releases New Book On Having Sex And How To Do It Right

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--You may not have seen it flying up the bestseller's list, or in any visible area in a bookstore, but local author, Bert Bergen, has published a book that is surely to capture the attention of the world; and the title provides ample evidence as to why: Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex...And MORE!!!


Bergen, who claims the book took him only about a year to write, thanks to forty years of experience "in the sack," also explains why the book, which one would to expect to contain several hundred pages of information, is only one page long.

"Well, as I sat down to write the first chapter, I realized after all these years that I still have no clue what I'm doing when I'm...you know...uhh...getting freaky."

Bert Bergen, Author and Confused Haver of Sex

He continued by saying that sex is all a bunch of guesswork for him. "You know, you start, you move around a bit, and you hope for the best. You also hope not to injure anybody. I've done that before. That ruins sex."

Bergen spent the better part of last winter coming up with the title for the first chapter, which he finally decided to name "Chapter 1." He then spent the remainder of the year working on the one sentence that comprises the entirety of the book: "Ok, I have no idea what I'm doing."

"That one took me forever to compose," commented Bergen. "I had to find the right wording, the right rhythm. The timing just wasn't coming together. But when it did, it was amazing. Perfect. I couldn't put it any better."

Contrary to opinion, which would say this book was a waste of both the author's time and is now a waste of readers' times, Everything has been flying off the shelves of booksellers.

"We can't keep it in the store!" Said Mark Mularkey, a manager at Barnes and Noble in Edina.

"Digital sales have been through the roof, too," added Bergen.

The reason for such widespread hype over the book seems to be a mixture of having the word "sex" in the title and the general relief felt by readers that they aren't the only ones who have no idea what they're doing.

"For years, FOR YEARS, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing when I...well put my penis...well...you know," commented a person who wished to remain anonymous. "I was so relieved to see that another guy felt the exact same way. 'I'm not the only one!' I thought. It was a great burden off my shoulders."

For Mary Anne Bingsley, it was about the word "sex." "Well, I was attracted to the word 'sex' in the title. That's true for me with most things, though. Sex and the City is my favorite show. Sex on the Beach is my favorite shot. And I've never seen an issue of Cosmopolitan that I won't buy. If I see the word 'sex,' I've gotta have it."

When asked if a man got the word "sex" tattooed on his forehead, would she date him, she responded plainly, "Hell yes."

Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex...And MORE!!! is in stores, now. Hardback $15.99, digital $5.99.

Boba Fett Still Trying To Change Name After All These Years

LOS ANGELES, CA--Boba Fett, the green-helmeted, rocket-pack wearing bounty hunter most notorious for his capture of Han Solo in Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back, is back in court, today, in his never-ending quest to have his named changed.

Fett, who is now 65, claims that director, George Lucas, misread his resume when he auditioned for the role and proceeded to misprint his name on the scripts, calling him “Boba Fett” instead of his true name, Bob A. Fett.

“Lucas knows what he did,” commented Fett. “He knows my real name isn’t Boba. He knows it's Bob. Why just the other day, we bumped into each other at Starbucks and what did he say? Not ‘Hey Boba!’ But ‘Mornin’ Bob.’ I wish my lawyers could have been there."

Fett has spent the last thirty years trying to get his true identity back, but has run into one impasse each and every time: copyright law.

"The case always gets thrown out on the grounds that my image is copyrighted. I can't appear anywhere under a different name as long as I have this suit on. Carrie [Fisher] has it easy, you know? She just takes the honey buns out of her hair and she's no longer Princess Leia. Me? If I take off this helmet, this rocket pack, this metal plating, no one will recognize me. I don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't survive." 

Issues of identity are nothing new to him, though. As the son of two Jewish bounty hunters, the infamous Fettsteins, who were notorious for their less than legal methods of getting money from people who owed money to other people, Robert A. Fettstein knew he would have to change his name when he came to Hollywood if he was ever going to get work.

"Yeah, Fettstein wasn't going to fly. So I changed it. Probably the biggest mistake I've ever made, though. The Jews as a people might be thousands of years old, but I've never read anything about them living 'in a galaxy far, far away.' Lucas would never have put Boba Fettstein in the script. Even if the scene took place in a desert."

When asked about the case, George Lucas refused to comment. 

Then he changed his mind. "To millions of Star Wars fans in the world, Mr. Fett is known only as Boba, and I intend to keep it that way. He is a cultural icon. Besides, the money he's made off of birthday parties, parades, and bar mitzfahs, I don't think he has much to complain about."

Mr. Fett had only this to say in response. "God, I hate birthday parties. I always dribble ice cream on my armor and it's a nightmare getting this thing dry cleaned."

It remains to be seen whether or not Fett will finally be successful in court and gain his true identity back. With Lucas' lawyers, and the Force, the odds are stacked against him.

"I tell you what, at this point, I'd rather accidentally fall into the mouth of a sarlacc and be digested for thousands of years than to spend another day as 'Boba Fett.' I just want to be recognized for who I really am. Bob. Is that too much to ask?"

People Who Always Change Lanes In Traffic Because They Think the Other Lane Is Moving Faster, But Come to Find Out the Lane They Were In Is Actually Moving Faster Are UP IN ARMS!!

NEW YORK, NY--The nation was excited, today, after Apple announced the iPhone will now be available to Verizon Wireless subscribers. "This is awesome!" Tweeted a self-employed bumper sticker and t-shirt designer, who later bragged that he was the first to broadcast the news on Twitter.

But one group of individuals was not so exuberant: people who always change lanes because they think the other lane is moving faster, but come to find out the lane they were in is actually moving faster.

"I can't believe it. I can. not. believe. it." Said a visibly frustrated Chong Thacker, who has driven in rush hour traffic for over twenty-three years and still consistently chooses the wrong lane. "I changed providers three months ago just so I could get the iPhone. I had Verizon for six years before that! Six years!! Everyone knows AT&T sucks. But they had the iPhone 4. So I switched. Biggest mistake ever."

Fred Thompson shared her pain. "I had just switched from Verizon to AT&T, yesterday, in order to get an iPhone," explained Thompson, who also claims he always chooses the slowest line at the grocery store. "Now they're coming to Verizon!? Of course this happens to me! Oh well! it's too late now. You bet I'm never switching lanes again or going grocery shopping!" Thompson paused for a few moments, collecting his thoughts, obviously shaken by his emotions surrounding the situation. "Ok, I'll still switch if my lane is stopped dead and the other is moving. But that's it. And yeah, I need food.  So I'll probably have to go grocery shopping at some point."

                     

  Thompson, fuming, while talking to us via FaceTime

Apple, always quick to appease those who feel slighted by their products or business moves (which a recent study indicates is about 6.3 billion people and growing), released an app this afternoon called, iDecide, which they believe will make up for any bad feelings. 

"It's basically a Magic 8 ball," commented Steve Jobs in an emergency press conference, "except more technological."

iDecide is what Apple calls a "fate simulator" and was originally developed for people who were having a hard time deciding whether or not to attend their Indecisives Anonymous meetings.

"We saw the market emerge several years ago and decided we need to capitalize on it. We had a bunch of ideas in the beginning, but nothing really did it for us. Then, after several independent studies, we discovered that all these people really wanted was someone to decide things for them. So, we gave them that."

iDecide features voice recognition technology, allowing you to speak into your iPhone the two options you're weighing, and converts them into text. From there, it simulates random chance and reveals, randomly, the option you should go with.

"This will be a revolution in the way we live our lives. No longer do we have to think for ourselves. And if we happen to make a bad decision? Oh well, we didn't make it. It's the computer's fault."

When asked whether or not he would use the iDecide to help him make decisions in his life, Thompson replied, "I don't know. Maybe. I'd have to think about it for a bit."

He finally responded in an email, five hours later. 

"Probably. But don't quote me on that."