NEW YORK, NY--The nation was excited, today, after Apple announced the iPhone will now be available to Verizon Wireless subscribers. "This is awesome!" Tweeted a self-employed bumper sticker and t-shirt designer, who later bragged that he was the first to broadcast the news on Twitter.
But one group of individuals was not so exuberant: people who always change lanes because they think the other lane is moving faster, but come to find out the lane they were in is actually moving faster.
"I can't believe it. I can. not. believe. it." Said a visibly frustrated Chong Thacker, who has driven in rush hour traffic for over twenty-three years and still consistently chooses the wrong lane. "I changed providers three months ago just so I could get the iPhone. I had Verizon for six years before that! Six years!! Everyone knows AT&T sucks. But they had the iPhone 4. So I switched. Biggest mistake ever."
Fred Thompson shared her pain. "I had just switched from Verizon to AT&T, yesterday, in order to get an iPhone," explained Thompson, who also claims he always chooses the slowest line at the grocery store. "Now they're coming to Verizon!? Of course this happens to me! Oh well! it's too late now. You bet I'm never switching lanes again or going grocery shopping!" Thompson paused for a few moments, collecting his thoughts, obviously shaken by his emotions surrounding the situation. "Ok, I'll still switch if my lane is stopped dead and the other is moving. But that's it. And yeah, I need food. So I'll probably have to go grocery shopping at some point."
Thompson, fuming, while talking to us via FaceTime
Apple, always quick to appease those who feel slighted by their products or business moves (which a recent study indicates is about 6.3 billion people and growing), released an app this afternoon called, iDecide, which they believe will make up for any bad feelings.
"It's basically a Magic 8 ball," commented Steve Jobs in an emergency press conference, "except more technological."
iDecide is what Apple calls a "fate simulator" and was originally developed for people who were having a hard time deciding whether or not to attend their Indecisives Anonymous meetings.
"We saw the market emerge several years ago and decided we need to capitalize on it. We had a bunch of ideas in the beginning, but nothing really did it for us. Then, after several independent studies, we discovered that all these people really wanted was someone to decide things for them. So, we gave them that."
iDecide features voice recognition technology, allowing you to speak into your iPhone the two options you're weighing, and converts them into text. From there, it simulates random chance and reveals, randomly, the option you should go with.
"This will be a revolution in the way we live our lives. No longer do we have to think for ourselves. And if we happen to make a bad decision? Oh well, we didn't make it. It's the computer's fault."
When asked whether or not he would use the iDecide to help him make decisions in his life, Thompson replied, "I don't know. Maybe. I'd have to think about it for a bit."
He finally responded in an email, five hours later.
"Probably. But don't quote me on that."
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