SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH! Anthropologist Discovers New Species of Human

BOBO, MS--Dr. Patrick Connoly, a professor of anthropology at the University of Mississippi in Oxford, made a startling discovery today that is sure to rock the foundations of the anthropological world.

He discovered a new species of human being.

Connoly, who was sitting in a local diner, this morning, said the day started out just like any other.

"I was reading an essay by Norm Chomsky. Have you heard of him? Probably not. Very heady stuff. Anyways, I was sitting there reading, totally glued to the page, when I noticed an old man sitting in a booth, drinking some coffee. Of course, this isn't an odd thing to see in Memaw's; old people eat there all the time. But what threw me off was his reserved nature."

Connoly quickly added that easy-going old people aren't that odd, though. In general, they're like that. He explained that it was more of the the context in which the old man was sitting so reservedly that threw him off.

"Well, in the booth behind him there were two black guys. That's what first tipped me off. And then I noticed there were two women sitting in the booth in front of him. Then, as I looked around some more, I saw two Jews--and not just any Jews, but two Jews discussing the Torah--sitting at a table a few feet away. And then--on top of all of that--at a table next to them, there were two gay men holding hands."

Dr. Connoly, petting "the smallest black guy ever" in Papua New Guinea, 1967

He paused for a moment to catch his breath, then continued, saying he watched the old man for several minutes just to make sure he was seeing what he was actually seeing. It turned out he was.

"I was floored. I had never seen anything like it in my life. I--I was speechless."

Dr. Connoly says he remained motionless for several minutes, realizing what he had possibly just discovered. Needing more evidence to prove his theory, though, he approached the old man.

"I started by asking him questions. 'Sir,' I said, 'sir, do you not see who you're sitting near?' He looked up from his paper and shrugged his shoulders. 'Looks like people to me.' So I said, 'But sir, take a closer look at those people.' So he did; he scanned the whole room. Then he turned to me and said, 'Well, you've got two nice young ladies right there and a bunch of fellas just sittin' and makin' talk'.' And that's what did it. That's when I knew I had some truly special on my hands. An old person--who wasn't racist, sexist, anti-Semitic or homophobic."

It seems odd that a scientist could know for certain that he had just discovered a new species of human being without first performing DNA tests. But Dr. Connoly was steadfast in his conviction.

"Well, it's simple--how I know, that is. The whole scene went against Neuman's first law of geriatric psychology--which states that for every black, female, Jewish, or gay person in the world, there is an equal and opposite discriminating old person. I mean, by the time I approached him, he should have at least hurled 4-5 invectives at the Jews. At least 4-5. He didn't even let out a 'They just let anyone in here these days, don't they?' He didn't say a thing. It defied logic."

"I mean, look at this graph," Connoly added, drawing something on a napkin.

"Since 1639, when the field of statistics was invented by a monk who was notorious for inventing Biblical passages during conversation in order to sound official, the percentage of old people who are racist, sexist, anti-Semitic and homophobic has remained perfectly static--right at 100%. That's unheard of! The end of the Civil War, which I marked with a star on the line and '1865' beneath it, didn't even change anything-- and it was illegal to be racist at that point! Even at the end of the Civil Rights Movement, a hundred years later, which I have marked as well, you'd expect at least a couple hundred old people to no longer be racist, but no! Nothing changed! They were as racist, sexist, anti-Semitic and homophobic as ever."

When asked why this may have been, Dr. Connoly explained. "It has to do with a trend that Dr. Neuman found in his research. Hold on, look at this graph."

"Between birth and the age of 75, Dr. Neuman found that only about 5% of the population was racist, sexist, Anti-Semtic and homophobic, but at the age of 75 everything changes. Something happens at the age of 75. We don't know exactly what, yet. I mean, look at Helen Thomas. She had been in the White House Press Corps for fifty seven years! She was a well-respected journalist. Published in everything. Then the day she turns 75, she says some comment about the Jews in Israel and is forced to retire."

It was pointed out that Thomas was in fact 90 years old when she made the comments about the Jews in Israel.

"Then look at Betty White! She had been famous for years. Been in several successful television shows. Won awards and everything. But when did she really make it big? The day she turned 75 and did that muffin skit on Saturday Night Live. She's huge now!"

It was pointed out that White turned 89 a few days ago.

"Whatever, you know what I mean."

The old man that Connoly suspects is a new species of human turned out to be 82 years old, falling perfectly into the Neuman statistics. But when asked whether or not he took some of the man's hair in order to run DNA tests on it to prove that the man was in fact a new species, Connoly said he did not, because the old man was bald "as a cue ball."

"Old people are like that, in general, though" added Connoly, "even the women."